Things Pirates Didn’t Do!

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I sincerely doubt that pirates (in the modern, romanticized sense of the word) ever really existed. Certainly there were marauders on the seas, but I suspect that many of our modern stereotypes of them are exaggerations which have little basis in truth. I have therefore compiled this comprehensive list of things which we can be assured that pirates did not do.

  • Pirates Didn’t Use Photocopiers
  • Pirates Didn’t Become Wine Critics
  • Pirates Didn’t Read Chekhov
  • Pirates Didn’t Play the Theremin
  • Pirates Didn’t Make Conference Calls
  • Pirates Didn’t Solve the Rubik’s Cube
  • Pirates Didn’t Practice Freudian Psychology
  • Pirates Didn’t Build Tesla Coils
  • Pirates Didn’t Try to Solve the Riemann Hypothesis
  • Pirates Didn’t Use Mass Spectrometers
  • Pirates Didn’t Keep Pet Gila Monsters
  • Pirates Didn’t Care About the Legislative Branch
  • Pirates Didn’t Join the Unification Church
  • Pirates Didn’t Speak Esperanto
  • Pirates Didn’t Debate Machiavelli
  • Pirates Didn’t Support Libertarians
  • Pirates Didn’t Draw in Three-Point Perspective
  • Pirates Didn’t Quantify the Spectrum
  • Pirates Didn’t Study the Jovian Lagrange Points
  • Pirates Didn’t Write Romance Novels
  • Pirates Didn’t Do Yoga
  • Pirates Didn’t Practice Homeopathy
  • Pirates Didn’t Play Blind Chess
  • Pirates Didn’t Buy Happy Meals
  • Pirates Didn’t Fly Autogyros
  • Pirates Didn’t Play Tetris
  • Pirates Didn’t Eat Escargots
  • Pirates Didn’t Compete in Triathlons
  • Pirates Didn’t Perform Mahler
  • Pirates Didn’t Become Exobiologists
  • Pirates Didn’t Appreciate the Avant-Garde
  • Pirates Didn’t Study the History of Czechoslovakia
  • Pirates Didn’t Accept Lamarckian Evolution
  • Pirates Didn’t Watch Star Trek
  • Pirates Didn’t Like Jane Austen
  • Pirates Didn’t Prefer vi Over emacs
  • Pirates Didn’t Read Chesterton
  • Pirates Didn’t Use Jackhammers
  • Pirates Didn’t Go Spelunking
  • Pirates Didn’t Do Disco
  • Pirates Didn’t Download Music
  • Pirates Didn’t Build Transistor Radios
  • Pirates Didn’t Use Pewter
  • Pirates Didn’t Groove to the Tunes
  • Pirates Didn’t Have Gym Memberships
  • Pirates Didn’t Go Curling
  • Pirates Didn’t Study the Book of Ezekiel
  • Pirates Didn’t Celebrate Guy Fawkes Day
  • Pirates Didn’t Understand Kafka
  • Pirates Didn’t Look for Flying Saucers
  • Pirates Didn’t Measure Background Radiation
  • Pirates Didn’t Study Quantum Theory
  • Pirates Didn’t Use the Interrobang
  • Pirates Didn’t Support Worthy Causes
  • Pirates Didn’t Have Extensive Vocabularies
  • Pirates Didn’t Support the Marxist Ideology
  • Pirates Didn’t Split the Atom
  • Pirates Didn’t Insist on Macs
  • Pirates Didn’t Try to Go to the Moon
  • Pirates Didn’t Drive Volkswagon Things
  • Pirates Didn’t Calculate the Mandelbrot Set
  • Pirates Didn’t Use the Golden Ratio
  • Pirates Didn’t Do Performance Art
  • Pirates Didn’t Sing Opera
  • Pirates Didn’t Make Crop Circles
  • Pirates Didn’t Study Lichens
  • Pirates Didn’t Invest in Hedge Funds
  • Pirates Didn’t Raise Pangolins
  • Pirates Didn’t Write Chain Letters
  • Pirates Didn’t Participate in Ponzi Schemes
  • Pirates Didn’t Splice Genes
  • Pirates Didn’t Amend the Constitution
  • Pirates Didn’t Discover Special Relativity
  • Pirates Didn’t Build the Large Hadron Collider
  • Pirates Didn’t Plant Tulips
  • Pirates Didn’t Save the Whales
  • Pirates Didn’t Go to Nepal
  • Pirates Didn’t Invent Cubism
  • Pirates Didn’t Use Eight-Track Tapes
  • Pirates Didn’t Recite the Gettysburg Address
  • Pirates Didn’t Use the Polymerase Chain Reaction
  • Pirates Didn’t Discuss the Implications of Kant
  • Pirates Didn’t Test Parapsychology
  • Pirates Didn’t Worry About Recessions
  • Pirates Didn’t Compile Lists of Things They Didn’t Do.