Things Pirates Didn't Do!

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I sincerely doubt that pirates (in the modern, romanticized sense of the word) ever really existed. Certainly there were marauders on the seas, but I suspect that many of our modern stereotypes of them are exaggerations which have little basis in truth. I have therefore compiled this comprehensive list of things which we can be assured that pirates did not do.

•Pirates Didn’t Use Photocopiers
•Pirates Didn’t Become Wine Critics
•Pirates Didn’t Read Chekhov
•Pirates Didn’t Play the Theremin
•Pirates Didn’t Make Conference Calls
•Pirates Didn’t Solve the Rubik’s Cube
•Pirates Didn’t Practice Freudian Psychology
•Pirates Didn’t Build Tesla Coils
•Pirates Didn’t Try to Solve the Riemann Hypothesis
•Pirates Didn’t Use Mass Spectrometers
•Pirates Didn’t Keep Pet Gila Monsters
•Pirates Didn’t Care About the Legislative Branch
•Pirates Didn’t Join the Unification Church
•Pirates Didn’t Speak Esperanto
•Pirates Didn’t Debate Machiavelli
•Pirates Didn’t Support Libertarians
•Pirates Didn’t Draw in Three-Point Perspective
• Pirates Didn’t Quantify the Spectrum
•Pirates Didn’t Study the Jovian Lagrange Points
•Pirates Didn’t Write Romance Novels
•Pirates Didn’t Do Yoga
•Pirates Didn’t Practice Homeopathy
•Pirates Didn’t Play Blind Chess
•Pirates Didn’t Buy Happy Meals
•Pirates Didn’t Fly Autogyros
•Pirates Didn’t Play Tetris
•Pirates Didn’t Eat Escargots
•Pirates Didn’t Compete in Triathlons
•Pirates Didn’t Perform Mahler
•Pirates Didn’t Become Exobiologists
•Pirates Didn’t Appreciate the Avant-Garde
•Pirates Didn’t Study the History of Czechoslovakia
•Pirates Didn’t Accept Lamarckian Evolution
•Pirates Didn’t Watch Star Trek
•Pirates Didn’t Like Jane Austen
•Pirates Didn’t Prefer vi Over emacs
•Pirates Didn’t Read Chesterton
•Pirates Didn’t Use Jackhammers
•Pirates Didn’t Go Spelunking
•Pirates Didn’t Do Disco
•Pirates Didn’t Download Music
•Pirates Didn’t Build Transistor Radios
•Pirates Didn’t Use Pewter
•Pirates Didn’t Groove to the Tunes

 •Pirates Didn’t Have Gym Memberships
•Pirates Didn’t Go Curling
•Pirates Didn’t Study the Book of Ezekiel
•Pirates Didn’t Celebrate Guy Fawkes Day
•Pirates Didn’t Understand Kafka
•Pirates Didn’t Look for Flying Saucers
•Pirates Didn’t Measure Background Radiation
•Pirates Didn’t Study Quantum Theory
•Pirates Didn’t Use the Interrobang
•Pirates Didn’t Support Worthy Causes
•Pirates Didn’t Have Extensive Vocabularies
•Pirates Didn’t Support the Marxist Ideology
•Pirates Didn’t Split the Atom
•Pirates Didn’t Insist on Macs
•Pirates Didn’t Try to Go to the Moon
•Pirates Didn’t Drive Volkswagon Things
•Pirates Didn’t Calculate the Mandelbrot Set
•Pirates Didn’t Use the Golden Ratio
•Pirates Didn’t Do Performance Art
•Pirates Didn’t Sing Opera
•Pirates Didn’t Make Crop Circles
•Pirates Didn’t Study Lichens
•Pirates Didn’t Invest in Hedge Funds
•Pirates Didn’t Raise Pangolins
•Pirates Didn’t Write Chain Letters
•Pirates Didn’t Participate in Ponzi Schemes
•Pirates Didn’t Splice Genes
•Pirates Didn’t Amend the Constitution
•Pirates Didn’t Discover Special Relativity
•Pirates Didn’t Build the Large Hadron Collider
•Pirates Didn’t Plant Tulips
•Pirates Didn’t Save the Whales
•Pirates Didn’t Go to Nepal
•Pirates Didn’t Invent Cubism
•Pirates Didn’t Use Eight-Track Tapes
•Pirates Didn’t Recite the Gettysburg Address
•Pirates Didn’t Use the Polymerase Chain Reaction
•Pirates Didn’t Discuss the Implications of Kant
•Pirates Didn’t Test Parapsychology
•Pirates Didn’t Worry About Recessions
•Pirates Didn’t Compile Lists of Things They Didn’t Do.